by Karen Hansen, PhD, LMHC
The many characters of our inner world, often named archetypes, I’ve called Feminine Faces™.
Let’s look at another aspect of the ‘Mother’. Melissa and her husband came into therapy because lack of intimacy had become an issue in their marriage. She explained that her husband complained that she wasn’t even affectionate. “I’m not used to it. I didn’t grow up in a house where we hugged, maybe we got a goodnight kiss.” She had a hard time receiving affection and touch. “I saw my mother push my father away when he tried to approach her. I see myself doing the same thing now with my husband.”
It had been many years since they had had sex. When she reached menopause not only did her periods stop, but so did their sex life. She grew up in a strict religious household. As a daughter she inherited a belief that sex was dirty and “that’s is all boys want from you”. Her father stopped having anything to do with his daughters, when they became ‘little women’. He shut down. Even the thought of a sexual being, capable of tempting a man, was a taboo in his house. Her mother tried to keep her under tight control. It made her wonder, if her mother maybe was not sexually available at all. Still, she inherited this maternal legacy of internalized shame. That sex is natural, normal and healthy became foreign in her internal belief system.
Her negative belief and shame were as it were confirmed, when she nearly died giving birth to a daughter. “She could hardly nurture her newborn”. The near death trauma created a sense of repulsion for her own blood and fluids. “Afterwards I had little interest in sex or anything down there.” She felt an internal conflict brewing between being mother and lover at the same time. Like her mother she started to believe that a mom is not a sexual person.
Melissa had the Madonna/Temptress conflict and couldn’t see a blending between the two. The Madonna archetype was on a pedestal and the Temptress, Mary Magdalene, the crazy vixen women was on the other end. She felt she couldn’t be both.
The Madonna/Temptress syndrome can be seen in the movie “Analyze this Analyze that”. Billy Crystal plays a psychiatrist and asks his client at one point why he has affairs with other women. He is a married man. The client played by Robert De Niro replies in complete shock, “You mean to kiss the lips that kiss my children?” His wife as the mother of his children is in his view unapproachable in a romantic, intimate way. This illustrates what has been done to the feminine by portraying the Mother Mary as Virgin, sacred, untouchable and asexual. Mary Magdalene was the ‘other’ portrayed as Whore, sinful, sexual and sensual. De Niro’s character seeks out other women or prostitutes to satisfy his sexual nature, because his wife is untouchable as mother of his children. Through the images of the two Maries the feminine became split. Some part of this split lives deep in the collective unconscious of all women whether they are aware of it or not. It is a split that is meant to be whole. Woman is Madonna and Temptress.
We worked with meditation to free the nice girl who was programmed that sex is sinful and dirty. It’s not a matter of being temptress or mom. Woman can be both nice girl and vixen. We need to see ourselves as a desirable, not only as nurturing. Being human means we are sexual beings with nerve endings in the genitals, so it is natural to feel pleasure. Sex can give pleasure, warmth, closeness, excitement, release and self-esteem. Intimacy is a sacred part of a healthy relationship. We need to be in it for ourselves and the other.
The symbol that came to Melissa in her mediation was a red rose, symbolizing her birthright to a loving, intimate relationship that embraced her sensual side. She had to let go of the old beliefs about sex. For Melissa the task became learning to stay present and be a real partner during intimacy. And she was able to break the ancestral line with her daughters. When they reached puberty she had sex talks and read books with them about their rites of passage. She was able to explore places in her sexuality that were still held hostage by puritanical beliefs meant to scare rather than liberate her. Melissa was able to free the nice girl and relocate her sexuality in enjoyment and love.
If we do our shadow work, facing the dark Mother, we become lighter and we might wonder was Mary Magdalena really married to Jesus?
( Names have been changed and the particulars of the story altered to ensure confidentiality.)
AFFIRMATIONS
- More and more, my sexuality expresses love and joyful playfulness
- I am letting go of any guilt from childhood and puritanical beliefs meant to scare
- I believe sex is a natural and healthy part of life.
- It’s ok for me to receive love through affection and sexual pleasure
MEDITATION
Surround yourself with a white light and make an inner connection with a spiritual being.
We will release the part that thinks sex is “dirty” and replace it with light and the belief that you can create a loving,
intimate relationship in all areas of your sex life. We are going to cleanse that part of you that felt sinful or unclean.
Just imagine a movie screen a few inches out from your third eye. Ask for a symbol of that part of you, see that symbol on the movie screen.
Now imagine you have a laser beam in your hand and you are using it to send a cleansing healing light
to that part that told you sex is dirty, etc. Send it with love and light to its own transformation to the green fire.
Now imagine on your movie screen that you are a rose, the most beautiful rose.
See in front of yourself a beautiful rose, bring that into your heart and womb.
Connect with your heart and allow the body to relax as you imagine yourself as a rose.
Surrender is a skill you can learn, not a defeat or loss of power.
Karen Hansen, PhD, LMHC is a psychotherapist working with individuals and groups.
www.transpersonaltherapy.com 425 361-3908.
Feminine Faces class 9/24 and 10/22, 10-2 $40/each class including soup lunch.
Experience the power of 13 inner characters symbolizing the light and dark faces of the feminine. Guided Meditation,
clay art, commune with nature. Snohomish, WA
